I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
