I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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