can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
