you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
