I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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