I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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