New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
