Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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