I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
