I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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