You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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