Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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