the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
