The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
