is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
