You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
