I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
