How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
