i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
