Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
