that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
