soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
