I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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