i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
