I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
