We got so high we made milksteak
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
