I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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