just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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