you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
