and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
