i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
