I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He did a backflip because drugs
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