apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
