so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
