he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
