So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
