please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
