somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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