woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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