She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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