The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
