I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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