im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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