I think my fart just growled at me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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