My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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