I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
