she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
