Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
