There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
