I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
