she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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