i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
organizing the empties. That sober.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
